This was all written out two nights after seeing the film, so this is entirely from memory. I probably will get everything wrong. blame the booze.
Enjoy the spoiling.
So here we are, a few years after the events of Avengers: Age of Ultron. Thor defeats Surtur (a jötunn, basically a big devil monster) surprisingly easily with his trusty hammer, Mjölnir (like he does with all of his enemies…) Before Surtur dies tho, he’s like, “dude, I am so gonna come back and kick your ass.”
Thor kills Surtur and takes his skull with him back to Asgard, which can be tossed into the Eternal Flame to usher in Ragnarok, the twilight of the gods (aka armageddon. oh shiiiiit!).
(side-sidenote: remember this ^^ because it comes in later)
But when Thor returns to greet his father, Odin, he finds him lounging around, watching a play that is recounting the end of the second Thor film, Thor: The Dark World, where Thor watches his brother, Loki, sacrifice himself to save Thor.
(sidenote: Loki in this play is played by Matt Damon. cameoooo)
Thor finds out that daddy is actually Loki in disguise! (Did you know that Loki is a shapeshifter? Oh, and that Loki faked his death?)
Thor is like, “dude, 1. how are you alive? 2. why are you here posing as our father? 3. where the hell is our father??”
It turns out that Loki left Odin on Earth. Oops. So they travel to Earth to find their father. They arrive in New York, only to be sucked into a vortex by Dr. Strange (or is it Mr. Weird?) and brought to his residence.
After a lot of banter, Dr. Strange discovers that Odin is in Norway, of all places. note: this is a pointless use of time, as it its only real function is to tell the audience
HEY, DR. STRANGE IS KINDA AN AVENGER NOW. JUST WANTED TO MAKE THAT CLEAR. I MEAN. LOOK AT HIM ASSISTING THOR AND ALSO MAKING LOKI LOOK LIKE AN ASS. GRADE A AVENGER MATERIAL, PEOPLE.
Eventually they find Odin on a cliffside by the shoreline, where he’s like, “suh dudes. I was just reminiscing about my dead wife, you know, your mother. oh, btw, I had a firstborn daughter. her name’s Hela. don’t be intimidated by the name, she’s super sweet.” (extra spoiler: she ain’t.)
Then Odin’s like, “she was too ambitious with an unquenchable bloodlust, so I had to lock her away. oh yeah, and another btw, I’m feelin’ like it’s time for me to die.”
THEN, Odin’s like, “oh yeah, and when I die, Hela will escape and seek to conquer the nine worlds. deuces!” he then turns to gold dust and vanishes. sweeet
Basically immediately, Hela appears out of a portal and is like, “whaddup fuckbois, kneel before me as I am the rightful queen, or die, you know the drill.”
(she’s BAD ASS. Have you ever seen Cate Blanchett this menacing??)
Thor impolitely declines, so Hela destroys Mjölnir effortlessly (note: …WHAT!) Thor and Loki look at each other thinking, “sweet mother of god! (which I guess in this universe is Bestla, the mother of all the gods – general Norse mythology spoiler!) we should travel back to Assguard (see what I did there?) and warn everyone that this bitch is crazy.”
So they peace out and warp (the best way I can describe it) back to Asgard, but on the way, Hela catches up with them and literally punts them out of the warping. so they get tossed through the cosmos and find themselves on a different planet, while Hela travels to Asgard. they are separated, and Thor is happened upon by some chick that looks slightly familiar, like she’s been in more movies than you’d think but you don’t know her name (spoiler: it’s the bad ass black chick from Westworld [no, not Thandie Newton]).
oh yeah, the planet is named like Sakar or something. and the chick is named…wait a sec, she was never given a real name! she actually works for the Grand Master (Jeff Goldblum basically plays Jeff Goldblum in this film) and chains up Thor, with the intent of making him a gladiatorial prisoner of the Grand Master. Loki is nowhere to be seen.
Just kidding, he actually became best buds with the Grand Master, as he somehow landed on the planet weeks before Thor. chalk that up to different moments of Hela ejecting their asses out of the rainbow warp thing! Thor’s like, “dude thank god (our dad, Odin) that you’re here!” but Loki plays it cool like they don’t know each other. rude.
Thor threatens the Grand Master with the fury of a thousand suns (or a thousand bolts of lightning, I guess?) if he is not released. GM (we’ll call him GM from now on) merely laughs at Thor, calling him something like sparkboi.
Meanwhile on Asgard, Hela slaughters two of the Warriors Three (basically Thor’s best friends) with daggers and then proceeds to annihilate the armies of Asgard. (did I mention she is BAD. ASS.)
But! Ah! Someone has stolen the sword that allows her to travel to other worlds via the Rainbow Bridge (spoiler: it’s Idris Elba. forgot his character’s name, so henceforth he will be called Idris, Idris Elba, Luther, or IE.) He’s a goodboi and friend of Thor.
This pisses the heck outta Hela! So much so, that she enters the vault beneath the city of Asgard to reanimate her old army from their tombs! oh, and she brings back the giant Fenris Wolf (adapted from the Norse wolf Fenrir, a son of Loki…are you writing this down?)
P.P.S., she walks by the Eternal Flame and the skull of Surtur. remember that?
Anyway, back on Sakar, Thor is set to face the biggest and baddest fighter on the planet! Thor’s like, “nah man, I can defeat anyone. and then I’ll find a way off this planet!”
However, when he enters the arena, his opponent is revealed: T H E I N C R E D I B L E H U L K ! ! !
Thor is ecstatic! He hasn’t seen the big green machine in years! But o shit, this dude is ANGRY and they proceed to fight. Thor is all like DUDE WHY ARE YOU SO VIOLENT! and Hulk is all like HULK SMASH! This goes on for a bit before it just kinda ends with no winner.
Afterwards, Thor and Hulk are having a mildly civil conversation, and the chick from earlier comes to give him some banter. he realizes that she looks familiar because of some ceremonial tattoos on her face. oh shit, she’s an ex-Valkyrie! one of the Valkyrior, legendary female warriors that ride on pegasi and wield spears! (I just looked up her character name, and they literally just call her Valkyrie) all of her Valkyrie friends died in an E P I C battle against Hela’s army years ago. this chick managed to escape and found asylum on this planet.
anyway, Thor convinces both of them (although they are both v, v reluctant) to help him 1. escape, 2. find passage back to Asgard, 3. kick Hela in her face. But, as Thor and Hulky are finding an escape path, Jeff Goldblum has Loki (his new BFF) and Valkyrie (still technically employed by Jeff) to find both fugitives. Loki, with his usual tricks, ‘helps’ Thor but then betrays him, saying that the reward was too great. Thor figured this would happen and anticipated the betrayal with a preconceived counter-betrayal, incapacitating Loki. Thor, Valk, and Thor escape in a ship they stole from the Grand Master (basically his flying pleasure barge).
while this is going on, Hela is searching for Idris and his gang of Asgardian survivors who are hiding out in the mountains with that sword. they are able to sneak onto the Rainbow Bridge with the sword with the intention of leaving Asgard. Fenris Wolf and Hela catch them on the bridge tho! they are doomed!
as the remaining Asgardians prepare to meet their maker (spoiler: I guess that would be Odin, and his brothers Villi and Ve?), Thor and co. fly in to save the day and face off against Hela.
Hulk jumps off the ship to fight the massive wolf, and Thor goes to face off against Hela. about this time, and in a plot point I failed to recount earlier, Loki also arrives with a crew of freed gladiators from Sakar on a ship to help escort the Asgardians off the planet.
wait a minute. this shot never happened in the film…
Disregard that screenshot! Hela and Thor face off 1 on 1! in the skirmish, Thor loses his eye to Hela! (do you think that’s covered under his PPO plan?)
as he is getting his ass handed to him, he gets visions from papa Odin who says that they only way Hela can be stopped is by voluntarily invoking Ragnarok! he tells this to Loki, who quickly goes to Odin’s vault from earlier where Surtur’s skull and the Eternal Flame are. he tosses the skull into the flame, and the flame giant Surtur is reborn and begins to destroy Asgard with flame and sword. Hela tries her darndest to combat Surtur, but he’s too big and too hot.
as everyone is evacuated, the Asgardians and assorted other characters watch as Asgard implodes, destroying Surtur, Hela, and the entire planet. :/
Idris Elba tries to cheer Thor up like, “don’t worry, Thor. Asgard is more of a metaphor – Asgard is people, not a place. or something along those lines.” Thor is then crowned the new kind of Asgard.
In conclusion…make sure that you don’t have evil siblings that your parents kept secret from you. or whatever.
thanks for reading,